So...I will admit that although I would love to say that I live in absence of any fear, I have two gigantic fears that overwhelm me. One fear more realistic than the other. One a fear that every parent has, the fear of something bad happening to their children. The other is not only a fear but a flat out phobia. I have a fear of flying. As in, flying on airplanes. It is actually not so much the fear of flying that really bothers me, rather the fear of falling: translation- crashing.
So what happens when your two worst fears collide at the same time? Physically, well...we won't go there, but it isn't pretty. Emotionally and mentally, it is exhausting - draining - overwhelming. Because a phobia is an irrational fear, there is little anyone can say, or anything that can be done to combat it. It quietly slips in and takes over every rational thought.
Fear Number One: In a little over a week, my husband and I will be leaving our children for the first time in our married life. They are going to be in excellent hands with my sister in law. They could not be going to a more loving, caring, amazing environment. However, I will not be with them. Not only will I not be with them, I won't even be able to reach them quickly should something happen.
Fear Number Two: Leaving our children, also means boarding an airplane for a trip over the ocean. My heart is racing just thinking about it and my stomache is well doing things that aren't pleasant.
Satan has decided to use my weakness and turn it into a playground. Preying on my fears there have been multiple signs that I should not go on this trip. A trip, that is much needed by my husband and myself. The signs have been hurtful, cruel, playing on my weakness as a mother especially. A few of these signs have put a fear into me that is much much worse than any phobia.
As I was sharing with my LIFE group from church some of these "signs", a very wise girlfriend pointed out to me, that these were the wrong kind of signs. She reminded me that God does not give us a spirit of fear. (2 Timothy 1:7) and that God would never do something to hurt me, scare me, and make me generally crazy.
So, I have been doing everything I can do. I have prayed. I have asked friends and family to pray for me. I have asked for a blessing. I have gone to the alter and laid it down. I have put it in my special box where I put things that I am struggling with as I hand them over to the Lord. I have done just about everything except one: Get into the Word.
Now, I know better than this. I know I need to be in the Word regularly to keep me strong. I know that I need to be relying on God's promises. I have been looking here, there and everywhere for some sign that I should or should not go on this trip and yet I have ignored where the most valuable information is kept, my Bible.
Today, one of my dearest friends sent me a prayer via email. Her prayer for me was directly out of scripture. Romans 15:13 " May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in him"
Then, out of the blue, I decided to click on my blog. I have not done this for months with no real inspiration to write. There on my very own blog as my theme verse I have written: Psalm 34: 17-22 "The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles but the Lord delivers him from them all, He protects all his bones not one of them will be broken...."
Finally, I was singing the words to one of my favorite songs right now called No Matter What. As I was singing the words, "no matter what, I'm gonna love you, no matter what I'm gonna need you, I know that you can find a way to keep me from this pain but if not, I will trust in you, no matter what."
Signs....I have been looking for them everywhere. The signs I had been getting were delivered straight from the Enemy. But today, God answered back and slammed Satan down. The signs I have been gifted by a mighty God today are signs of love, hope, trust, re-assurance, and promise. Yes, these are the signs that push down fear and deliver us from the unknown into the hands of the all knowing, all powerful Jehovah.
I wish as I wrote this I could say that all fear as been banished from my heart. I can say that I feel 90% better than I did before today. So I still proclaim my weakness and ask for your prayers.
But I am also proclaiming today that I will trust in the Lord, my God to give me protection, safe travel, protection for my children and to work inside of my marriage...No matter what....